


reminders

by lyricallyharley



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, and a dash of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:33:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27804625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricallyharley/pseuds/lyricallyharley
Summary: Phil doesn't always know how to help Dan, but he tries his best.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 14
Kudos: 58





	reminders

Reading people in an acquired skill. Some people have it, some people struggle with it, and some are like a deer in the headlights when trying to read social cues.

Phil likes to believe he falls somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

There are times that Phil has no idea when Dan is struggling, or _having a_ _bad brain day,_ as they would affectionately call it. There are also times when he _can_ tell. 

Tonight is one of those nights where the latter applies. As soon as Phil sees Dan sat on the edge of their bed, head down and hands clasped together, he knows.

“Dan.” He calls, sitting down next to him when he doesn’t move or respond.

“Hey.” He pushes a few curls behind Dan’s ear, careful to keep his movement slow.

There’s no art to this. Every day is different, and the things that bring them comfort can change. He makes sure to keep his eyes on Dan’s face just to be sure he’s wanted in his space.

“Can I stay?” He asks, bringing his hand back to his lap.

Dan sighs deeply, attempting an answer but only achieving a strained, unintelligible sound. He nods instead, leaning to the side and resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. 

Phil wraps an arm around his back, rubbing his up and down his side. It seems to relax him, so he continues the movements, keeping them soft and slow.

“I feel like shit.” Dan whispers. His voice hoarse, but he still manages to get the words out. Phil can tell just by how he sounds that he’s been crying. He feels a pinch of sadness in his chest at the realization.

“Physically or mentally?”

“Both.” Dan answers.

Phil watches as he reluctantly opens his eyes, keeping them trained on his folded hands. He takes one of them with his free hand and rubs circles into his skin with his thumb, trying to ease the tension. He still doesn’t look up.

He’s used to seeing Dan like this, but it still breaks his heart. 

“Hey, can you look at me?” he urges, lifting his hand to his face and placing it against his cheek. Dan lifts his head up agonizingly slowly, but There’s no rush for Phil. He just wants to see him.

When they make eye contact, there’s comfort there. It can be overwhelming in moments like these, so it comes as no surprise to Phil when a tear slips down his cheek. It gets caught on his finger and he wipes it away.

“Talk? Or sleep?” 

Phil watches as Dan thinks for a moment before shrugging weakly.

“Not sure?" He asks. "Something else maybe?”

Dan just shakes his head.

“Can we just talk?” Dan asks.

“Of course.” 

Phil adjusts his position so that he’s no longer sitting on his leg. Once he’s more comfortable he scoots back and gestures for Dan to sit in front of him and lean back. He braces his legs on either side of him so that he could lean either way without falling over. 

Dan lets out a tiny laugh of surprise when Phil wraps his arms around him, almost like he hadn’t expected him to switch to this position. He doesn’t seem to protest so Phil continues, keeping his arms loose so that Dan can move them if he chooses to.

He reaches up and brushes his fingers through Dan’s hair, who hums in response while leaning into the touch.

“What’s on your mind?” Phil says softly. “Talk to me."

Dan huffs loudly. "I don't know what I'm doing."

“Do any of us?” Phil half-jokes, not surprised by the lack of response from Dan.

"Are you scared?" He tries, hoping to pinpoint something more specific. He knows Dan well, but he’s no mind reader.

"I'm fucking terrified." Dan admits, his voice low and shaky as he speaks.

“That’s okay.” Phil assures him. “It’s normal to feel that way.”

“Now you sound like my therapist.” He chuckles.

“Well, it’s true, so I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Fuck off.” Dan mumbles in an almost endearing manner. “You are not qualified to give professional advice.”

“I don’t take responsibility for anything I say then.” He laughs. “But I think I’m right. It’s good to feel scared sometimes. It means you’re human. Means you care.”

Dan sighs. “That honestly doesn’t make me feel better.”

“That’s okay.”

“Phil, I love you, but say ‘it’s okay' one more time and I’m going to shove you off of me.”

“Okay.” He replies softly. He expects this kind of mild hostility from Dan, it’s nothing new.

“I’m sorry.” He says, almost immediately after hearing how quickly Phil softened his voice. “I just wish I could be as optimistic as you.”

“I like your pessimism.” Phil says. “I need a reality check from time to time.” 

A stifled laugh escapes Dan’s lips, and it makes Phil smile a bit.

“I love that about you, you know?” He continues. “I-”

He stops. Dan is still shaking his head in denial, like he can't believe a thing he's hearing. It wipes the smile from Phil's face instantly.

Dan can’t see Phil’s frown, but something tells him Dan knows it's there. Phil sighs, hesitantly wrapping his arms around Dan so that one hand settles on his chest and the other reaches for his fingers.

Dan accepts the embrace, taking Phil’s hand and leaning farther back, letting him support his weight. Phil knows talking doesn’t always make Dan feel better. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes it worse, but usually it has no effect. 

“Do you want me to shut up, or keep talking?” Phil asks, gently pressing his lips to Dan’s head as he waits for his response. 

“Keep talking please.” Dan whispers. “I’m just thinking.”

“Want to tell me about what’s scaring you then?”

“Everything.” Dan says, pausing to think before adding on. “Failure, mostly.”

Phil takes a slow breath. He thinks he understands now. He may not know what triggered it, but he knows exactly what this is about.

“You’re not alone in this.” Phil says “Change is scary, but I’ll be right here with you the whole time.”

Dan exhales loudly. “What if it was a mistake? What if I’m not worth anything by myself.”

“This will all be worth it, trust me.” Phil assures him.

“People love you because of your mind. They love how much of your heart you pour into every single thing you do, and if a day comes where they want to move on then that’s their loss because you’re so brilliant and there are so many people out there who see you for you and want to listen to what you have to say.”

Dan leans back a bit as Phil speaks, indicating that he’s listening. He reaches his hand behind him to find Phil’s and grab it.

“You may be doing this by yourself, but you’ll never be alone.” Phil reminds him, pausing to press a kiss to his temple. “I’m so proud of you, you know that?”

Dan seems reluctant when he nods. Phil can’t see his face, but he knows his mind is still too far deep in his own self-doubt.

“Every day I wake up next to the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. I feel like the luckiest man in the world.” He says.

Dan lets out a choked sob that he had presumably been holding in. Phil wishes he could see his face. If he wasn’t so occupied with holding him in his arms, he’d already be there in front of him wiping those tears from his cheeks. He does his best to wipe them away from behind, but Dan just playfully swats his hand away, letting him know that he’s okay.

"Try telling me what you like about yourself." Phil suggests.

"Can it be anything?"

"Anything.” Phil confirms. “Whatever you can think of, it doesn't have to be big."

Dan drums his fingers against Phil’s palm as he thinks. The feeling is calming, so much so that Phil almost misses what he says.

“I actually kind of like that I’m a waffly twat.”

Phil laughs once he processes the statement. Dan laughs too, and for a moment, everything feels alright.

“What else?” Phil encourages him with a playful push. Dan shrugs him off with a hollow laugh, less enthusiastic than the previous one.

“I can’t think of anything else.” 

“Come on!” Phil insists. “One more thing.”

“Okay.” Dan says, letting his voice trail off. The room is silent for about a minute before he comes up with something, his

"I like that I care." 

“You know what  _ I _ like?”

Dan hums, leaning back into Phil’s hold.

“I like that you listen. You always listen to what people have to say. I like that you care about people. You’re so damn caring.”

“That should be a bare minimum.”

“Shush. You’re an amazing person, okay? You don’t have to measure yourself.”

Phil recognizes his slip-up as soon as he says it and tosses his head back with a chuckle as Dan laughs at his innuendo.

“Fuck, I mean-” He stammers. “You know what I mean!”

Dan sighs after catching his breath, waiting for Phil as he giggles uncontrollably. 

“I’m serious. You’re incredible, Dan.” He affirms once he’s finally able to get the words out. “Anyone who tells you otherwise has no clue what they’re talking about.”

“I’m not, not really.” Dan argues. “I have ugly bits.”

“Never said you didn’t.” Phil says. “I think the ugly is part of what makes you beautiful.”

“Okay mister philosophy.”

They sit in silence for a few more minutes. For a few seconds Phil is able to hear the wind picking up and the trees rustling. He wonders if Dan can hear it too.

“Hey, come’ere bub.” He mumbles, pulling Dan closer to him and gesturing for him to turn around so that they’re face to face. 

He stretches his legs out before letting them hang over the edge of the bed so that Dan can climb into his lap easily. He presses a kiss to his forehead then, watching as his lips inevitably turn upwards to form a soft smile. They’re just calling for Phil to kiss them, so he does.

“I love everything about you.” Phil tells him once he pulls away. “Every single part of you.”

He presses kiss after kiss all over Dan’s face. Once he reaches his cheeks he feels wetness with his lips, but he doesn’t stop. It makes Dan giggle a little.

_ Tears are good.  _ That’s what he always told Dan.  _ It’s okay to let it out. _

Except, he’s smiling. As well as crying. Phil knows his mind hasn’t changed much, and that’s okay with him. All he wants is for Dan to feel better, even if it’s just a little.

He presses one last kiss to the tip of his nose before wrapping his hand around the back of his head and easing him towards his chest. Warm breaths brush past his skin as Dan buries his face in the crook of Phil’s neck, silently sobbing.

“I love you.” he croaks, the muffled sound an ache in Phil’s heart.

“You’re going to be okay.” Phil whispers, his hand drawing Dan’s head even closer. “I promise.”

There’s a moment of silence, and Dan’s breaths are a little heavier. 

“I love you too.” Phil says, pausing to look down at Dan as he raises his head and looks up.

“Do you want to go to bed?” Phil asks.

Dan nods. He rolls over and sits up, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. Phil scoots to the back of the bed, leaning over to turn the light off before softly calling Dan and reaching his arms out as an invitation.

Sometimes touches are comforting for Dan. Other times he needs to be left alone, but tonight he seems to prefer the former. He makes it clear exactly what he wants when he crawls over to Phil and immediately accepts his embrace. 

There’s subtle happiness in this moment. Dan pulls him closer, and like a blanket of warmth and comfort, he settles for a position half on top of Phil. He didn’t know this is what he needed, his only thought had been to comfort Dan, but Phil can’t help but sigh as this feeling overtakes him. He hums contentedly as Dan’s breathing evens out and his hold loosens, indicating that he’s falling asleep.

He leans over and gently kisses the top of his head. It’s an awkward angle, but he’s just able to reach his curly, unwashed hair.

“Goodnight, love.” He whispers.

He knows his arm is going to be sore in the morning, but he doesn’t care. He shifts slightly so that he can support Dan’s weight easier and closes his eyes, listening to the soft sound of Dan’s breaths and the whistle of wind from outside. 

The shakiness of Dan’s breaths starts to fade as he relaxes. Phil knows there isn’t much more he can do now, other than hope that in the morning, Dan feels better. For now, he just appreciates the moment for what it is.

It’s not perfect. Life is messy, but it’s their life and he wouldn’t trade any of it. And he wouldn’t change a thing about Dan.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! come say hi on tumblr (@squishdaniel)


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